A Mental Check

I woke up this morning at 5am to draw not knowing that I would have a mini breakdown while drawing. I will never be good enough for myself, as I silently sobbed while shading in a heart of all things. I dont know. I havent been feeling like myself for the past week. Something has changed. Sure the photoshoots are amazing and the sunrises, and the colors are wonderful but something is missing.

Im not myself. I miss laughing for fun and because someone said something genuinly funny than just laughing to convince myself that everything is alright. Nothing is alright. Life goes on, and the only thing that is consistent is my ability to haphazardly assure myself that everything is OK. Its difficult being a sad and loneley person inside and putting on a mask titled “smile” and trying to live a life that isnt authentically mine.

It has come to the point where just seeing people makes my mind go into a black hole. Im so used to being the one who dosent crave human interaction that making the first move all the time is draining. Its an interesting change, and I sometimes wish that I had remained invisible on campus, instead of having people know who i am. I just want to go back to needing noone and being happy on my own terms, not having it be sparked or validated by another person.

I honestly wish I could figure out what I am feeling to pinpoint a solution, but nothing is ever that straightforward, and even if it was, it wouldnt be easy. I just miss feeling like my life is complete — the first month of college is complete, and my experiment without social media is helping me a lot, but the human interaction just seems to be draining me in more ways than I can even count.

I just want to run away. Just be invisible for a day.

Just for one day.

Published by Jay Sundar Rajan

I'm an artist first, student next.

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