Hey Jay again.
Talking again on Halloween, a night where the most incredible yet scary parties occur. But you won’t be seeing me at any of them. Its not because I’m a hermit, its because parties just require me to face the reality of that which I am not, and sadly never will be.
I consider myself an introvert. I find solace and peace through my art and photography, modes of artistic expression that are very private in nature. I tend to be alone a lot of time, not because i am a sad person, it just gives me space to do me like I would. I like sitting at my window sill and watch the rain fall and just listening to music while drawing. Its what gives me comfort in the times of chaos and confusion that I face almost everyday at college. That’s why a lot of you repeatedly find me in the library; its a place which i am comfortable in and the only place which I feel i can socialize the most without draining my mental juice and where I don’t have to put on a filter to be myself.
Its a huge reason why I feel uncomfortable at parties. Sure, I am a social person. I have an extremely diverse group of people that I relate to and (i think) relate to me. I talk a lot to people who pass by, asking them how their day was. But there is something about a party, an event where people are in a space where loud music plays and people get crazy isn’t something that I relate to. Its generally a crowd that I tend to be more afraid of than stay away from. And then there is me, a mouse among the madness: a group of lions and tigers. You would never see me actively socializing in a party, rather you would catch me just leaning against a wall observing and cohesively analyzing people. I promise you, its more because I find it far more interesting to observe rather than the fact that i am uncomfortable.
When I get back to my room, I feel at home, and as if a huge weight and expectation has been taken off my shoulders. You should see me: I get into shorts and a tshirt and spend the night drawing or just meditating on the weekend. It might seem like a boring night to a lot of you, but it brings me down to such a calm and positivly charged state, a state which I try maintain everyday.
There might some people out there who will label me as being antisocial and scare after reading this post. And to all of you who do, or do not read this post: Its just how I am. Its not something which I will, at anytime apologize for. Its a quality that I have long accepted and embraced, realizing that it has what has gotten me this far. And you can bet that I am only going up from here.
Please don’t get me wrong, I’m far from unhappy. Sure, I would love to reach the point sometime during college where I will be mentally ready to go to a party without feeling like a total fish out of water, but I will get there slowly.
For change dosent occur out of the blue.